18 Questions not to ask in an all-staff email

1. Does anyone have a way to forge receipts to cover the expenses from my affair?

2. Does anyone know an easy way to get dried blood off a desk?

3. Does anyone have an extra bag of dog crap I could use to prank my supervisor?

4. Does anyone mind that I puked in the mailroom but was too drunk to clean it up?

5. Does anyone know the name of a good hitman?

6. Does anyone else have any complaints I could add to my anonymous letter of complaint to the Board?

7. Does anyone have time to look at this weird skin-thing on my inner thigh?

8. Does anyone have a jock-strap I could borrow just for 10 minutes?

9. Would anyone go with me to try on wigs?

10. How would I go about hiding an illegal bribe?

11. When would be too soon to start dating again?

12. What do you all think of my beard?

13. Should I still be this angry about what my 1st-grade teacher did to me?

14. (For teachers) How soon can I reasonably turn in grades if I don’t feel like grading final exams?

15. (Also for teachers) I flunked a student because I didn’t like him. How can I explain this so it sounds better?

16. Should I move?

17. Does anyone have a mongoose I could borrow for a day? I’ve got cobra in my cabinets.

18. Does anyone need a lightly punctured mongoose?