φ “If I’m a figment of your imagination, then you’ve got some messed up imaginations,” said student A.F. after we said we might be imagining him. 31 March.
φ “Tonight, we’re gettin’ fricked-up,” said my friend Nina. The previous night’s drinking was just about seeing people, she clarified. 2 April.
φ “Yesterday, I was so hungry, I had to make pancakes at night,” said my father-in-law. “WHO made the pancakes?” said my mother-in-law, adding that she’d used cake mix to make them. 2 April.
φ “That’s me — who’s the old man I’m kissing?” asked my wife as she looked at a photo of us before realizing that the old man she was kissing was her husband. 3 April.
φ “Showing up for work is usually a reasonable employment policy,” said my wife of her office’s stance in relation to an unemployment claim. 4 April.
φ “But YOU’RE working HERE,” said student F. after she said nobody who goes to our local community college gets a good job, and then I’d said that I’d gone there before I became a teacher. 5 April.
φ “Am I still married to your wife?” asked student F.V. of me. This was in response to a hypothetical that he and I were both injured and my brain were put into his body. Later, my wife answered yes, that she’d rather be married to my brain than my body. “There’d be a different you in you,” she explained. 6 April.
φ “I’m so excited to grow up, but I’m kinda scared at the same time. I can’t wait to get a bunch of cats,” said my senior student T.B. When I teased her about wanting so many cats, she said, “it’s true, though.” 6 April.
φ “If I turned you into a robot, would you tell me” that you’re a robot, asked student A.F. of me. 6 April.
φ “No matter what she’s talking about, there are eye rolls involved,” said a fellow teacher of a certain student. 8 April.
φ “I love things that vary in height coming to see me,” said my wife as her dog, her cat, and her husband came to see her as she got home. 8 April.
φ “I have no weaknesses and every weakness,” said a young woman on the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign Quad to another woman as they walked behind me. 13 April.
φ “…now I can’t stand peanut butter,” said a guy standing near Foellinger Auditorium on U of I Quad. “At ALL?” said a woman listening to him. “At. All.” he confirmed. 13 April.
φ “You’re not funny,” said student A. to me, as he laughed at something I said. “Usually I’m a better liar,” he lied. 13 April.
φ “I like to calculate while I go,” said student L. as she took her calculator into the restroom with her. She was alluding to a story I had told about another student attempting to take a library book with him to the bathroom, and when I asked what he was doing, he had said, “I like to read while I go.” 13 April.
φ “‘Cuz she’s, you know, have you MET her?” said student A. telling me why another student doesn’t like a certain teacher. 13 April.
φ “We play wife with his euchre,” said a fellow teacher, before reversing the nous, about socializing with another teacher. 14 April.
φ “Shouting random things at people is my forte,” said student A.F. 20 April.
φ A student announced he was willing to strip his way through college. “I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of,” T. bragged. “Your personality,” corrected another student. 21 April.
φ “I feel like a cat — I have a hair in my throat,” said a student as she entered my classroom. 21 April.
φ “OW — uh-OW, uh-OW, uh-OW,” said a crow, iambically, as I walked my dog. 22 April.
φ “I was expecting ducks and all I saw was a pig … disappointing,” said a sophomore student D. about “ag day” animals at our school. 22 April.
φ “Everything I ate today I mooched,” said student B.B. after lunch. 25 Feb.
φ “We should all call things the same thing,” said a teacher colleague at a department meeting, 25 April.
φ “You and I are not the only ones who make fun of her,” said a friend, about an acquaintance. 26 April.
φ “I asked him to, because fucking Terence was being stupid,” said a girl after school. I thought, my school has a student named Terence? 26 April.
φ The quality of being impervious: imperversion? I wondered. 27 April.
φ “You HAVE to DIE!” said my student F.V., after he asked me during class whether I’d prefer to starve to death or drown, like Eurylochus chose in Book 12 of The Odyssey. 28 April.
φ “Steam punk– that’s the thing now, steampunk,” said a middle-aged woman at Joann Fabrics, Rockford, Ill. Answered a younger woman, “don’t let the fact that YOU just discovered it…” 30 April.