Ready for bed at 9:30 tonight — earlier than recent Sundays and earlier than recent nights. Watched “Lord of the Rings: Fellowship” movie last night. It’s been out since Xmas but I’ve resisted watching it, didn’t want those characters to be in my head when reading the books but movie was well-reviewed and so we went.
I picked up a message there of personal discipline and self-sacrifice. I think how weak I’ve been of late — lots of sweets and TV, etc. No liquor or cigs lately, so not horribly unhealthy, just moderately so. But also, no school work done today.
Here’s the thing: about noon today, I had a clarity of thought: a choice of either (A) working all day to get caught up grading and planning for week ahead or (B) simply taking the day to relax. And I almost had enough energy and drive for A but not quite. I watched too much TV to completely do B either, though our walk to quarry and sitting in sun then talking to L. was relaxing. My shoulders relaxed and lowered. We were gone an hour and a half to 2 hours.
Telescoping back: today’s exercise was good but I haven’t exercised much at all this winter. But then warm temps (warmest ever on record, I heard) prevented winter sports and also I’ve been sick and/or busy.
But talking to mom last week, I realized I’m starting to feel much better as the days lengthen. Maybe I do have mild depression in winter? That would explain my funk, my lack of drive or desire — not profound, but I don’t feel like doing anything, and yet wasn’t relaxed either.
And today, too, I felt I couldn’t take the day totally off — pressures to do work. I realized I sort of need to work weekends this first year — a shame, that, because I really need at least one day a weekend to relax. And as a teacher, I have work do to weekends, or after work. At any rate, some work to be done outside class.
But it’s so easy for me to give myself pressures. Got to feeling mindful while sitting on picnic table, facing sun, with M., finally living in the moment, without thinking of “should” or “have to.” When I thought how pretty it was and that I should take pics of quarry floor before water rises — another “should” — I gave up that thought and felt relieved.
[From journal of Sun., 24 Feb. 2002, Journal 30, page 342]