Today, I feel whole as I sit here

Saw sunny morning, a bright world, a pinkish glow on the snow in backyard near shrubs this morn, and sun on a side of trees at (north of) the railroad crossing on Beth El [Road]. …

and I’ve got the David Benoit smooth jazz on the CD player. And Sam J.’s just sitting there. He’s done [writing his assigned journal] in less than 12 minutes. And so, the jazz, the sun. I feel like it’s pretty great to be sitting here. And I now am aware that I don’t always feel like this. I felt like sh*t all February, didn’t wanna be here. Today, I feel whole as I sit here, and that’s cool. (The drama some people must want to introduce into their lives — I’m thinking about Laura Miller’s list of reasons people have sex … from a book review. People have sex to feel virile or feminine, to compete with others. So much drama — that makes them feel alive? But it’s cheap and artificial at some point, no? Why not settle down — to settle, to calm, to quit measuring the world by your expectations and — how to make this sound not like lowered standards? — but when I found someone who met nearly all my high expectations, and I loved spending time with her, am I gonna reject that? But, see, I didn’t ever see the point in sex-as-exploration.

Ah, well, let’s get class started — but after “Linus and Lucy” finishes. I did set the tracks — I started on track 3 so we’d hear this L&L song — I’d rather explore in other ways in my life, I guess.

[From school journal of Wens., 7 March 2018, 1st hour. Journal 270, page 175]

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