Tag Archives: 2017

I would like to say something deep

I would like to say something deep—and there goes the cat off my lap—in the short time I have left (I read while on toilet about Trump getting rid of DACA and the Savage Love. The AVClub’s new Kinja format is kind of annoying. My sites I read are getting worse—well, not all—but then, I don’t need to be reading entertainment news—and there seem so many “buy this stuff” ads and posts at AVClub.com now).

Anyway, these are merely complaints. Now for a mere wish—I’d like to say something significant today! Right now! Hah, yeah, that isn’t likely to work. Ambition seems disconnected from insight, whatever mental faculties these are. I could write about this note from a couple nights ago: Unsuccessful Time Management as a book title (M has a book Successful … also Tim management?) And I could also write about assumptions–we make–ick. I’m not so keen on that second one—it seemed Earnest, and that’s the problem—not that I want/need to be some laid-back, cool dude—I’m intense and hot quite a bit—if Charlie and M and others are to be believed!

Dreamed somehow I was with [my family], doing some fishing, but all I recall is not being on the water but someone descaling a muskie or big pike and also __ trying to get a fishing line out of a tree.

[From journal of Weds., 6 Sept. 2017, Journal 259, page 75]

But he’s still such an assho!e in public

But he’s still such an asshole in public and on Twitter … I’m now starting to picture ___ as some goofy old man … who doesn’t really understand why what he wants to do is wrong. He’s an old fool, and we’re all—well, not all—but because he’s ___, people to have humor him (what’s the word—act like he’s serious?).

On other hand, there is still the meanness, the attacks, the Roy Cohn advice to deny, deny (which may seem to work to deflect problems but of course eventually costs you your reputation—and people ignore you).

Anyway, now I’m feeling a little bad that I didn’t keep writing. Eh, that’ silly. You’re back now—move on, move along. I wonder why __ & __ are so boring, why they so keep to themselves. Well, I guess that’s better than them being assholes, I guess. It’s hot out, predicted to be nearly 90°—I could still mow tonight but didn’t feel like doing it last night after I came in about 6 and made burritos. I watched Deadliest Catch—Jake Anderson’s SAGA loses an anchor, Sig Hansen gets off at St. Paul Is. and gets flown to Anchorage for heart problems—dude had a heart attack last year and is still smoking! Sh!t, he’s only 51! I mean, I guess that’s old enough, if you’ve been living as hard has he’s been living, fishing, captaining since he was 24—stress, smoking, etc.

[From journal of Weds., 19 July 2017, Journal 256, page 63]

I have no evidence or reason to think my view is best

M just said how there are so many skinny people in the city; it made her feel fat. What they are is young people, M said. I said, in light of my recent writing about ambitious people, “they haven’t yet learned to give up their dreams.” (I said it in a tone that was a bit sing-songy, indicating I knew it was a bitter sort of sarcasm. M said something like”nice.”)

But maybe I once thought I needed to compete with those go-getters, and now I see that we’ve chosen different paths through life.

Well, it’s 10:44, and I’m back from peeing and putting on pants and I’m probably done writing for now. M is too tired to go to diner, which is fine with me, but I’ll go get eggs—maybe take dog with for a ride. I was just petting him as he lay right-side down on carpet and I brushed him slow so he wouldn’t mind, and he didn’t.

And I guess I don’t really have much more to say about these kids and their careers. They are what they are now—I don’t need to criticize them. It’d be presumptuous (and worse—false!) to tell them that my view of the world is also how they should view the world. I have no evidence or reason to think my view is best, or would fit everyone else or anyone else, or, hell, even me, really. I don’t know that my understanding of the world, the way it works, the way lives and careers play out, is even necessarily working for me—I mean, it seems to be working for me, mostly, but it’s not like every aspect of my life is perfect (whatever that even means).

[From journal of Sat. 16 Dec. 2017, Journal 266, page 173-5]

You’re really picky about friends, or maybe you’re the jerk

At some point, this kid—who causes problems when playing with others—broke down, sat down and sorta whine-cried. His mom came by on her bike and advised him something like, what do you have to do if you want to play with others? Not whine, he blubbered—but if he learns how to get along—

Now I’m thinking of this situation in terms of what I said before about getting along with others. Nobody wants to hear the conflict-whining, and nobody really wants to hear my complains about how I don’t have friends here. As M & I came in from lying in the sun (M said Sat. night, I think ’twas, that she doesn’t feel she’s yet gotten enough sun before the coming winter), I talked about [neighbor boy] & the girl using the western corner of my triangle garden as a base to touch after hitting the ball—and I really don’t care. I mean, yard is yard, grass is grass, as long as plants aren’t damaged, I really don’t care (I joked with M about the ball going into my garden—after the dad, I think, had said they might go play in back yard, where there’s more room. I said, c’mon, George is across the street—he’s old, aim toward his house. Don’t make me the grumpy old man before my time). But, I said to M, all I’d like is a bit of friendliness from the [neighbor] family. All I want is a little chit-chat now and then—even pseudofriendliness I’d take, I said. But whether they’re shit shy (ha! I really didn’t mean to say “they’re shit,” but that came out) or just arrogant jerks, they don’t talk to me, even to say hi. I’ve talked to [the mom] the once—she’s never said anything else. [The dad] has said “hi” two times in, what, April to August, 4 months? … I’d just like a little reciprocity in terms of friendly chit-chat. I won’t try to philosophize to them, I promise! Ah, well. Enough about the neighbors—you’ve also got [other people] you’ll see [soon]—you don’t really enjoy spending time with them, either—either you’re really picky about friends, or maybe you’re the jerk. Could be, of course—

But maybe this difficulty enjoying time with others is why I enjoy so much my time spent alone, journaling.

[From journal of Mon. 31 July 2017, Journal 256, pages 188–90]