Freeing myself from having to know: March notes

Corn crib that had been more vertical just a few days before this picture was taken on 10 March 2022.

View east along Holcomb Road of flipped corn crib, 10 March.

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My mind as I paid bills this morning — why was it accurate (even when my brain’s tired and stressed)? I make mistakes sometimes, sure, but the general accuracy is impressive and mysterious. [1 March 2022]

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The (or “a”) story of one’s own life (or of any nonfiction…?) can be told in any way! … I could tell my life-story in many different ways. I could just tell random moments, say (I could pick out only “key” life moments or events, but who’s to say what moments are most important?). My judgments of what matters are not unimportant, but they’re also not necessary. Over lunch, I read at LitHub a piece about Marcel Duchamp where it says he moved to Munich: “He spoke no German, and all he said about his stay was that ‘Munich had a lot of style in those days. I never met a soul and had a great time.’” And I was struck by how easily one can joke around and seem glib and dismissive by summarizing a whole period of time, ignoring the particulars of one’s experiences. I’m not interested in being glib. I’m not seeking cleverness. I want not to write every moment of my living down, but when I do write, I want to be honest (though still there is some shaping to stories, to what I say, almost unconsciously). And I wrote during 4-5 period journals today that my journal writings are mostly written in real time. And the “10 Best Structured Movies” video I showed twice recently suggests that chronological stories are causal stories — and I don’t need causes! (No need to make causes prominent — just show random moments! It’s the implication that “this moment is meaningful because I included it here” that makes things seem too precious.) [2 March 2022]

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Lovers become family. Not all lovers, of course, but I’m pointing out that a new couple, a first-years couple, has the love and the lust, but once we’ve been married for several years, M is more my family than just a lover. It’s a relationship more about relying on a person rather than merely fancying that person. [2-3 March]

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Random is not equal to arbitrary. It’s arbitrary (motivated by feelings, customs, conventions, etc.) for me to choose moments of my experience to share as a life story. Randomly chosen moments aren’t deliberately chosen — but are legitimately not human-influenced. [4 March]

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Freeing myself from having to know, to be right, or be wise or be entertaining! Feeling freed by this idea of using continuous writings, not needing to make points. … Blue sky, bare tree limb — I saw these things on north side of Holcomb Road as I realized I felt free. [4 March]

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Sitting outside Byron library for just a few minutes this morning, I thought how little human interpretations matter to nature (to the physical world). [5 March, 9 a.m.-ish]

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If you live long enough, you’ll see some sh*t. Being alive overwhelms some (and it overwhelms me — my situation does at times). [11 March]

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A decades-long career is made of moments — like the body of my writings is made of daily writing moments. … The remembered moments are too many of think of as a sum. [14-15 March]

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Writing from within my life about my life (as I understand it) — novelists make idyllic (simple) worlds and they seem to do it from outside of their own lives. [17 March 2022]

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I have ideas and publish them. I’m not sure what I or others are supposed to do (if anything) with them. [17 March]

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Could I write without making “of course” (obvious) statements? Of course, “obvious” statements might not always be obvious to every reader. [18 March]

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Rain patterns on cooling towers, Byron nuclear reactor, view from northeast on 18 March 2022

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Of course there’s no meaning in seeing things I drive past. Meaning comes from my mind. [29 March]

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Readers may not always want to face my writings — they aren’t escapist, aren’t easy. My writings (I’m thinking here of my blog posts of random journal bits) are open, are loose, are not hard-edged, are not bounded clearly. They’re clouds. [29 March]

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Feelings are sharp at first feeling them, even if later you can get distance, so don’t poo-poo the feelings. And when I feel well, I can relax. Feeling bad, I feel an urge to ease the bad feelings, so it seems harder to relax when I’m already depressed. (I feel better now than I did 20 minutes ago). [30 March]

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Male and female cardinals in my backyard, 27 March 2022.

Cardinals kissing blurrily. 27 March.

Witnessing the male-cardinal gaze. 27 March 2022.

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